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| so that one percent is still there. it's still hanging on by that tiny little thread of unrelenting, distant possibility. i think it's clear that i want to increase the possibility, i just don't know how - or even if i should. i could lay out the litany why's and why-not's, but i've gone over them in my head a million times, and since this thing (xanga) is really only for me anyway, it would be redundant. this is just where i come to take my heart out and let it breathe a little bit. oh well. | | |
| i know that putting all my hopes on a one percent chance is absurd, but that's what i do when that one percent is the best thing i can imagine. no one even knows, as usual, the massiveness of these feelings- the space that girl occupied in my heart. and why should they? it was an obscure, one percent chance. am i imaginative or what? | | |
| my near future, as far as responsibilities and ministry is concerned, necessitates slightly elevated discretion on here now. i've never layed it all out here, as obviously that would be completely irresponsible and stupid. but now i think i'll probably be a little more careful just in case.
suffice it to say, whatever time has passed since my first post on here till now has not yielded any magical "adult" or "mature" secrets that can turn me into a grown-up. -sidenote: interesting how those words don't in modern culture mean what i meant them to in that sentence- i'm definately older, and i look back on the way i thought and behaved a fews years back with a mixture of humor, disgust, and pity... but life is still very confusing and righteousness still seems unatainable. in fact, i'm still often distracted from the pursuit of rightesouness with the battling of sin (not the same thing). and just like back then, i still wonder what i'm gonna do in life and if i'll ever arrive at that blissful point of fulfillment in my calling. i'm beginning to think the answer is no. i think life just may go on and on, day by day, decision by decision, failure after failure, with a few successes and suprises thrown in there. ok- i'm not sold on that pessimistic outlook, but i can see it going that way. some minister huh. you should peek inside my head sometime.
maybe i'll have a positive out-of-the-blue post on here some day. | | |
| the world is so turbulent. i don't mean in the violence and warfare sense, although that's so. i mean in that there are one million world views, 2.7 billion meanings of life, 712 political stances, and an infinite number of paths to happiness. naturally all of that would add up to a bountiful world of choice, but somehow, it's turbulent. i think it's because all of those choices tug people in their own direction. i also think it's because they all, once traveled out, will result in emptiness, profound disappointment. even the broad, pluralistic philosophies that seem to tickle our sensibilities so well prove meaningless and ultimately self-defeating.
"meaningless, meaningless," right? the truth is, my heart aches when i sense people i love- people whose lives i've been a part of and have affected my own- going about, unaware that i still love them, or at least of how much i love them. i'm writing totally spastically right now because i'm lost in my thoughts.
if God weren't real, he would have let me go off on my own a long time ago. i've maintained face for everyone, but i've launched secret rebellions, all with the same eventual outcome. i cannot escape God. specifically, Jesus Christ and the price of his death have held me captive from the time i first spoke to him to now. no amount of man's ideas or man's lusts or man's beverages can break me free of his pursuit. beyond that, none of my own ideas, lusts, or so forth can break me free of his pursuit. for that, i'm immeasurably grateful.
i want to express my deepest love for those God has blessed me with the pleasure and duty of loving. this love is boundless and powerful because it's of God. but my expression of it is weak and timid because it is of me. please forgive me for letting you think my love for you has diminished just because the time we spend together has, or that i care any less about you, your life, your heart's condition, or your happiness. i pray that God blesses you and pursues you as vigorously as he does me. our ultimate happiness and fulfillment does, after all, come with our full pursuit of him.
with the fullest sincerity,
stephen | | |
| i'm sitting here at the house in the middle of the day when i should be going to get started on work, but i'd really just rather not. i always remember i have a xanga when i start feeling pensive and reflective...so i come and start a new entry and then end up with nothing to say.
it's getting kinda cold.
i wonder how long i can maintain a presence in xanga before the admins either force me to pay something or just delete me with no remorse. i know some people like to tie up loose ends when they discover something new like myspace or facebook and then move on, but i'm the kind of person who likes to keep my options open. it doesn't mean that i care in the least about personal blog journals; it's just the way i am, and that filters all the way down into the realm of personal blog journals. what the heck am i talking about?
i think we have birds living in our chimney.
i operate on this crazy notion that in order to do anything, i must be motivated. the problem with that is i am always running incredibly low on motivation. usually, what this means is i end up procrastinating and pushing something off until the last second in order to create or conjure up motivation. this often leaves me stressed and results in my hatred toward whatever it is i had to do, usually leaving me with even less motivation to do whatever it was the next time. to break this cycle, one of two things must happen. i must either find a way to motivate myself, or quit working on the assumption that i have to be motivated to do something, and just do it. i don't see either one of those happening for me. see....like now- i've put off leaving for work until the very very last minute, and so the only motivation i have to actually get up and do it is that if i don't now, i'll be very late and i'll end up working late, and i hate that. so there you go. forced motivation.
it's really dang cold. | | |
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